Coming to terms with losses, and anticipating new beginnings.

As we near the 3rd month of the COVID-19 pandemic in the United States (that feels so surreal to write), I’ve had A LOT OF FEELINGS , as well as a lot of time to process them. At the beginning, along with the intense fear of this virus, I felt a tremendous sense of loss. A crushing feeling of sadness.

Toward the end of 2019 and the beginning of 2020, I felt optimistic, for once in my life I felt secure in my future and had solid goals I was sure I would hit. After years of being too afraid to put myself out there…. I started a local Fat Positive meetup group, and I finally took the plunge and started writing professionally. I felt financially secure for the first time in my adult life. But then…. the coronavirus took over. Suddenly, my once full calendar was now empty. Of course, for everyone’s best interest and safety, this is the best thing possible. Social distancing for the forseeable future. But I miss feeling busy. I miss challenging myself and writing about people and places that I am passionate about. And I felt majorly selfish about it. But all feelings are valid…that’s what i’ve been telling myself.

I felt an intense feeling of overwhelming anxiety to pivot and change EVERYTHING that I had just become so comfortable and confident doing. So, for my wellbeing, I stopped everything. I gave my mind and body the time it needed to recover. I wish I could say that every day, or that even most days are great, but I still struggle with this, as well as my pre-pandemic anxiety and depression. But I feel in control again, and for me, that’s the glimmer of hope I need to get me through this time. I hope whoever reads this finds their glimmer of hope, too.

We will get through. We are resilient.


Mayra Y. Mejia